This morning, as I was lying in bed, waiting for my mind to fully awaken, I was uselessly perusing facebook. I noticed a person on some group, somewhere, (possibly bullet journal junkies. guilty.) asking if anyone else works for VIPkids or some other company- that teaches english to children living overseas- and do they have a way to keep track of their lesson plans?
This really peaked my attention! You see, I had spent hours one evening, a year or two ago, researching VIPkids. I studied how to apply for the job, (which was a little bit complicated I recall thinking) and then watching video after video on youtube of people teaching you how to get hired. (Pretty sure they received a commission.)
“I could do that!” I recall thinking. “I love to teach! I love languages. I have learned a few of them myself. I love children! I homeschool my kids. This would be such a great way to earn some extra money. Maybe I could finally afford to give my kids those ballet lessons they have been wanting.” And down the rabbit hole I had fallen.
Ultimately, however, I realized with the seemingly long application process, and the need to make a semi-professional video and so on and so forth- this company wasn’t for me. Why not? Well, because it was too much work. It was complicated sifting through all of the advice and videos to figure out what was really required.
And then there’s the most honest reason of all. I knew, from myriad past experience, that even if I had landed the job, I would likely start off on fire, impress everyone for a solid week or three, and then miss a class. I knew from experience with myself that eventually, I would get fired or quit. Nope- not worth it. I have too much hard-life-evidenceof great ideas that start with a bang- but which I am never able to finish.
Some of you more altuistic types are likely thinking “but you can’t think like that! You have to think more highly of yourself!” and some of you emotionally well types are thinking “wow. This lady could use some self esteem. Or counceling.” And maybe… just maybe…. some of you are thinking, “I get her.”
As an asside: And for some credibility on my part: My husband is a king finisher. And before I married him, I tried to explain it to him. I really did! And he thought he could imagine what I meant. But now, 10 year down the line, he laughs and shakes his head and says “I know you tried to explain it to me- but I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you were saying.”
Surprisingly, for my altruistic readers, I do have a healthy amount of confidence- in my own way. I am flamboyant and audacious. I love to perform. At my church, I teach and speak in front of audiences regularly. So why wouldn’t I be able to do it for a small part time job that would afford my family extra cash? A little job that I would likely enjoy? A job that was right up my alley?
All of these questions have influenced my journey to today’s blog– But there was something even more profound that went on in those miliseconds on facebook. The real kicker. You see, when I read this person’s question about VIPkids lesson plans- I felt the familiar flash of interest, the straightening of my body in excitement, and the itching of my fingers to go look up VIPkids and watch some of the videos on how to apply. AGAIN!!!!
This time, the entire scenario gave me pause. How interesting/odd That I would still find this compellingly tempting! But how hollow and sad for me that I would never attempt it. What is stopping me? What is really stopping me??
And so this blog idea was born. (The blog itself being another “great idea, with a great beginning.”) You see, I knew exactly what I needed. I needed to finish things. I needed to gain some confidence in my own ability to finish what I start. I needed to finish something, (anything!), well.
A glance around myself reveals so many places to start finishing. So many things un-ended. So many knots untied. (You will see in future posts that I’m not kidding. Ideas come at me so quickly- (good ones too!!) that I easily have 3-5 years’ worth of projects/ideas to finish, in my brain, right now.) Maybe starting with some small ones (finish that blanket! Finish that book!) can build me up to the really large ones that require grit and determination. (Finish that education! Finish that job! And finish it with style.)
Come along on the journey with me will you? It is going to be the ultimate self-esteem challenge for me. It is my biggest hang-up to success. I am going to journey from ending to ending- until I conquer my endings altogether.